


Response to "Daniel and Depression"

by crazed_peanut



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Emotional, Other, if i could respond to dans video, mentions of self harm, note, responce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 14:24:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12344454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazed_peanut/pseuds/crazed_peanut
Summary: This isn't a fic. Rather, my personal note to Dan, which I know he'll never read. I really had to get it off my chest. Proceed with caution. Mention of self harm.





	Response to "Daniel and Depression"

**Author's Note:**

> Dan's video keeps replaying in my head for the past 2 days, and I write to get things off my chest. I would love to read your comments and have a little discussion, but please make sure to read the end notes first.

I am a year younger than you. I would say I was in the same dark space as you at the same time, but no. I had my own hole. We all do. I imagine them like 5 feet deep traps in the ground, next to each other, but isolated. We never hear each other scream. I picture us as half naked creatures in these pits, hugging our legs tightly and wailing. But it's in our head, the sound. So are the holes, so is the crying, and the darkness. Somehow, this doesn't make it better. 

I related to everything you pointed out in the video. From the not-showering, to the over eating, to the losing interest in your hobbies. Although consciously I know these are typical manifestations of depression, hearing an actual other human being confess to have overcome them, started a process of reevaluation for me.   
My situation was not better than yours. And neither was yours than mine. We can't compare suffering. In your head, depression brought on the worst moments and the worst thoughts which could ever be felt and experienced. So it was for me as well. 

People are inherently good and meaning well, I believe. But also, some of them might think you had it easier, because you lived with your best friend during your lowest lows. Only you know what that was like. Identifying with the feeling of being alone, even when your closest person is right next to you, is going to be hard for someone who has never clutched their knees on the bottom of a dark 5 feet deep trap. 

One question I kept asking myself while I was watching your video for the second time was if you've self harmed. Some of the things you said make me think you did. I want to know your whole story, because I want to relate fully. But i'm not entitled to that, and neither is anyone else. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel very emotional and connected to you, a person who will never know I exist. 

So, am i glad you made this video? Extremely. But I do wish you never had to go through that. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, let alone to you, person on my laptop screen. You exist somewhere, not so far away from where I am right now, in the comfort of my living room. What connects us is this god awful experience which at one point felt like would never end. Then we had a good day, and we did what any person would do- grabbed to that stream of light and held on for dear, dear life.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm 24. I have a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. I am already in the process of weaning off medication. I don't self harm anymore. Everything is going great for me. I live with my partner, and have his full support, as well as that of my family. This video was a reminder of what it was like for me a year ago and it made me extremely emotional. Whether it was a good idea for me to share all this on this forum, remains to be seen.   
> Take care of yourselves.


End file.
